Template:Courier-OCT-25-12,13

DETERMINED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

The Courier asked Graham Dear about the charity he created in memory of his daughter Grace, who died aged 27

Graham Dear is a man torn in two one half is the electrician who lives in Telegraph Lane, Claygate, outwardly cheerful among his friends; the other is the heartbroken fundraiser and campaigner, doing all he can to provide a lifeline to young people suffering from serious mental health problems.

He set up the Grace Dear Trust after his 27-year-old daughter took her own life in February 2017, following 14 years of battling "an illness nobody could see". Graham is open about Grace's story: "It all started when she began suffering and self-harming from the age of 13. And we never picked it up. As a family, we never really understood what was happening.

"Most of the time Grace would have this wonderful smile, and she had a such a loud wicked laugh. She would lighten up any place she entered, Grace could solve her friends' issues most of the time, but sadly she could never find the means to solve her own issue.

"So when we lost Grace, we decided we wanted to try and help as many families with young teenagers so that they didn't have to go through what we went through. I've said this so many times and I have heard others describe the pain it never really stops, it's like a ripple effect that goes on and on and affects so many people. It's not like any loss you can imagine."

Graham, who was guest speaker at this year's annual Parish Meeting, run by Claygate Parish Council, said the Trust was now raising about £100,000 a year from events and donations: "We have now officially spent over half a million pounds-6550,000 on mental health within schools and on young people."

The Trust has built relationships with several local secondary schools-and more recently primary schools and pays for the provision of counsellors in those schools, for mental health training, and for the creation of facilities such as outdoor gyms and quiet spaces, that benefit the whole school.

It is now planning to build its own drop in wellness centre: "We're looking to build an actual room from scratch, to be used by the children of the school Monday to Friday. And then on Saturday and Sunday it'll be used as a call-in centre for adults in the Guildford area. That's going to cost in the region of £150,000 to €200,000. So it's a big thing. But it's a legacy I want to create for Grace. And the benefits you're getting, you can't really calculate"

Graham said it took a long time for his message about mental health to understood by local schools: "When we started, we had a budget of abe £50,000 from fundraising — and in the first 18 months, it was really difficult to get rid of that money. It was hard for the schools to understand what were doing and why. But slowly and surely, they started to come ro realise that we're a proper orgamisation and we're here to help them." He said all money raised and given out has to be spent on mental health-related wellbeing for the good of the children or on advising and helping teachers.

Sports clubs were then approached, with coaches thing offered mental health first aid training. Graham said youngsters can learn to talk about what they're feeling at a really early stage and you can identify that, then you've got a lot more chance of resolving the issue. Then the issue isn't going further into the teens and 20s, when it becomes so much harder to help."

Graham is careful to insist that Grace did not commit suicide. He says the word "commit" goes back to a time when suicide was illegal and has negative connotations that prevent youngsters speaking out: "If we could all stop using that word then more people would open up and tell others how they are feeling. My Gracie chose to take her own life. It wasn't a selfish act. It was an act of bravery because she just didn't want to live this life any more. She didn't want to be a... She thought she was a burden on us.

"My wife and I I used to go out and we never knew what we were going to come back to. We were always worried. But Grace didn't want us, as we got older, to live that type of life. She wanted us to enjoy life. But I'd rather be coming home worrying about her than be where we are now."

He said the family had no tools to deal with the situation: "If only we'd been able to say over and over tomorrow's another day, then Grace might still be here. But you get beyond a certain point where it's very difficult to get them back. We missed the signs. That's how easy it is for someone to take their life. It's in that moment that they're full of despair and full of … It's hard to comprehend because you've probably never been there. I've never been there I've never been in that situation where you just think there's nothing more to do. "Grace's passing affected me and my family irreparably.

But we help ourselves by doing what we do and having fun while we're working on these fundraising events and knowing that the little bit that we do is making a difference."

One of Graham's big concerns is school attendance levels. He said attendance at secondary schools has fallen sharply, from about 97 per cent attendance to below 90 in same schools.

He said that when attendance fell at one local school, the Trust created a wellness centre, to which children not attending regularly were invited instead "They sat down under supervision and got themselves back into the routine of getting up in the morning and going to school. The majority have gone from just popping in to taking part in proper lessons and studying."

Among other similar facilities the Trust has provided are the Willow Centre at Esher High School and the Grace Dear Foundation Room at Tolworth Girls School.

Social media and smartphones are a huge part of the problem, says Graham: "Social media is so stressful. When we were growing up, what happened during the day at school stopped at the school gate. Once you were home, that was it. And the majority of times, when you went in the next day, it all moved on. Now, with phones, it carries on: the whole school knows what's going on. Mobile phones play a massive part in why we are where we are today with young people.

"And, I think there is just too much emphasis on education, education, education." He said raising the school leaving age to 18 made unhappy youngsters stay and suffer longer.

He said drugs and the people selling them were another big factor. "I hope people aren't mad enough to think it doesn't happen in Claygate. It's happening at school gates. It's happening in front of our very eyes. And unfortunately, I don't know how you're going to stop them."

If Grace was 13 again now and in the same position, would things be different? "Definitely. We would be talking to the school, we would be trying to understand, asking her to talk to us about why she was feeling that way-but not to make any judgment," he said.

Graham warns parents not to overreact if children are self-harming; the priority is to understand why and to listen to them let them talk about how they feel.

The charity is very locally focused. TV personality and children's campaigner Esther Rantzen told Graham this was important: "We met her and talked about the fact that we'd lost Grace and that we were thinking of starting up a charity and she said, just keep it within your local community. There are others that will take it on elsewhere. So it's all run from Claygate. It used to be Hinchley Wood when we lived there but now we're in Claygate."

Graham has long been a familiar figure in Claygate, playing cricket, visiting its pubs, shopping in The Parade and he and his wife finally moved to the village a year ago: "We just love where we live in sunny Telegraph Lane It's a great village."

The Trust is staffed mainly by family members and friends of Grace, and kept in line by Hope, Grace's younger sister: "We recently changed some of the trustees. Grace's former boss Andrew, and Judy, a life-long family friend, have stepped down, and more friends and associates have joined so we're hopeful we can push the Grace Dear Trust on a little bit further.

"It's a vast task that we're doing. It's something that the government should really be doing but with the support of the community we can achieve things and move to a society where people do not feel the need to take their own life."

Graham finished by saying the charity work also helped the family: "It's never going to bring Gracie back. But we do know that every pound somebody gives us is going to help some young person somewhere."

FUNDRAISING PARTY

The Grace Dear Trust is holding a fundraising Christmas party at the Averna restaurant in Claygate on Saturday December 13. Tickets are £50 per person and include Prosecco or a soft drink on arrival, live music, buffet-style food, and a DJ playing until late. Visit thegracedeartrust.co.uk to buy tickets.